Forge #5

"Who am I to lead these people?"

Lord you know how many times this question has run through my head. I’ve been wondering that since the day you called me, and I feel even less qualified now than ever. In the midst of these men of God I feel myself the least of them all.

I don’t know when or where it happened, but somewhere along the way I lost my faith in myself. I see almost fully the measure of my faults, and throw myself down in your presence in hopes you will build me p right. I have no talent or skill to offer you, no Isaac to sacrifice, except my life. My life, my energy, my breath are the only things I have to offer you. If any good for the kingdom results from my life it will be by, and because of, your hand. In our group discussion it occurred to me that I consider myself failing in so many areas, as a failure in general. The voice inside my head keeps telling me I’m a failure because of this and that, for so many reasons. I’m tired of feeling like a failure, of feeling not qualified enough, not able enough in anything I do. I know it hinders me, and I don’t want anything to hinder my service of you. Sometimes I shy away from my brothers from feelings of worthlessness, I don’t want to shy away from brotherhood, from godly men because a false sense of humility, from feeling down on myself in an unhealthy, ungodly way. I desire you and a right perspective of myself grounded in Christ.

In the midst of you and your servants here I feel so small. So many of my concerns though are focused on me and how I can’t see myself ever bringing you great glory. I focus on how I can’t write, sing or speak like this man Chewy sitting next to me, and I feel so little and worthless. But this isn’t a true kind of humility. This humility comes from my heart’s desire to be great and renowned. Teach me to be truly humble, in the way that Christ was. Show me how I can bring you glory with my life. Teach me to live for my audience of one. Help me to separate the selfish ambitions and desires of my heart from those put there by you. Fill this hole in my heart, this emptiness I try to satisfy in other ways. Teach me to love as Christ loved, to be a true servant of him and my fellow men.

“Indeed I count everything as loss for the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” --Philippians 3:8a